There is only a single ginkgo tree on my entire campus and it’s male. Sometimes I print out dirty pictures of female ginkgos and leave them laying around just to rub it in that stupid asshole’s face.
I know that sometimes the world might seem like an overwhelming place, and it can make you feel like you’re not going to be able to do whatever it is you’re supposed to do in life. You might be afraid to get out of bed in the morning because you’re worried you’ll do a bad job just getting through the day. If you ever feel like giving up, just remember that I’ve got a hell of a midterm tomorrow and I couldn’t possibly give less of a shit about how many emotions are leaking out of your ruptured shitter right now. You can go fuck a hot pocket and eat it for all I care.
The only thing college has taught me is that you can get a PhD and tenure without knowing the first thing about how to used a damned computer.
Everything in a coelacanth’s body will give you diarrhea if you eat it. But by all means don’t let that stop you, you fat fuck.
If you’re ever having a hard time imagining what hell must be like, just remember that plants can hear themselves being slowly eaten alive.
Bae: welcome back, honey-
Me: sesame chicken only for a limited time at Panda Express.
As far as I’m concerned, most bacteria are just pussies that can’t hold their liquor.
Anonymous said: as a user who is not an ant irl I am extremely offended by your anti-ant posts
New evidence suggests that ants may also be capable of lying.